Aging with Dignity
You called me what?
When I was in my youthful 60s, I was on the Adult and Aging Commission in California’s Capitol City, Sacramento. We considered many of the challenges of aging – stereotyping, mental and physical challenges of growing older, and social aspects. Now, well into the stage of life I once preached about, I’m an occasional recipient of mistaken assumptions about my physical and cognitive abilities due solely to my age.
Having been on the receiving end of greetings from baristas, clerks, and bartenders that involved salutations such as “dear” and “young lady,” I committed myself to speaking up about my dislike for these unintended ageist endearments. I thought most people over the age of 60 would share my annoyance at being talked-down to and stereotyped. Imagine my surprise when I discovered myself in a miffed minority.
Let me first explain the distinction between Elder and ‘Elderly’ – at least in my mind. Having earned a degree in cultural anthropology (among two other fairly useless degrees), I see a significant difference in the terms. Elderly implies physical weakness, possible cognitive decline, and, significantly, a lack of personal power. I am pleased to have lived long enough to become an Elder and have an understanding of so many of life’s inequities and opportunities. Some people define this as ‘wisdom’ that doesn’t come freely or without significant decades pounding a path on Planet Earth.
Unfortunately, American society stereotypes older people and perpetuates the damaging (and inaccurate) impression that aging is synonymous with decline on many levels. The assumption, it seems, is embedded in most folks under the age of 60 and follows us all as we ourselves age. Yes, late in life, we may experience a variety of challenges – physical and emotional. But it’s how we manage those realities that defines the quality of a long life.
A study from a Yale University psychologist tracked a group of more than 400 adults over a span of 35 years. Their health stats, habits, and blood tests were included in the analysis, along with their individual attitudes about aging. Those people who had negative ideas about what it means to become older had more illnesses and heart problems than participants who held no such beliefs. There was a measurable difference in both quality of life and quantity (longevity) in participants who had no preconceptions about aging.
So, what are some of the stereotypes that accompany aging? That we are less than competent, in need of protection, lacking in the ability to think quickly and creatively, probably don’t hear well, and are on a steadily declining ramp to dementia and death. According to author Elizabeth Dozois, one study showed that 90 percent of elder respondents believed they would be afflicted with dementia. The truth is that about four percent of the elder population suffers from severe dementia. Since very basic arithmetic is my strong point, I am pleased to point out that 96 percent of people never get dementia. By the way, I am actually better at math today than I was at the age of 15 when my mind was focused on a certain cute drummer in the high school band.
Fallacious thinking like this permeates our society and extends to many aspects of aging. Those of us over 60 are as varied and capable as the general population. Some of us are talented, brilliant, interesting, creative, engaging, and innovative. Some of us are unmotivated, lazy, disengaged, disagreeable, and (as one of my readers called me personally) – “crabby old ladies.” We are emblematic of humanity, part of the colorful tapestry.
Of course, the media perpetuates the stereotypes that will impact the largest single older generation that America has ever known. With the exception of certain public television programs, the few older characters featured on TV usually reinforce time-honored stereotypes And when they don’t, the characters are instead clownish or ridiculously eccentric. They certainly do not represent those of us closer to the mainstream – working, volunteering, contributing, creating, remembering, consciously managing the aging process through being proactive and educated. The power of television and the Internet to shape opinions and attitudes is formidable. As participants in reality, we don’t have a comparable media platform to counteract our cartoon characters. But we have an opportunity, indeed a responsibility, to contribute to a new awareness about the aging process.
A recent study, for example, shows that as people age, they become happier and more satisfied. More than 340,000 individuals were surveyed, and the results overwhelmingly indicate that people feel less stress, worry, and anger as they grow older. At the same time, feelings of happiness and enjoyment increase significantly after the age of 50.
Most of us who are Baby Boomers (Born between 1946 to 1964) largely intend to be active and involved in life. We take charge of our lives through education, managing our health, and being engaged in business, the arts, and society. It’s up to us to erase the current cultural stereotype of aging, and that begins with examining and reassessing our own beliefs.
Being on the receiving end of well-intentioned endearment language such as “Here’s your breakfast, Dear,” leaves me feeling like a child or a rest home resident. It stings. It does not flatter. Occasionally, I’ve corrected servers, a move that’s uncomfortable but hopefully provokes thought. It’s uncomfortable for both of us.
This isn’t just a problem for folks my age. Because, if you’re lucky, you’ll live to be an elder. So, to my younger readers, I’m suggesting early examination of your own expectations and attitudes about aging. A mid-course correction might be in order. And to my agemates and super-agers – let’s demand respect by not accepting what seems inevitable but largely untrue about growing old –in contrast with ‘getting old.’
Thanks, now I feel better!
Sometimes a rant is called for, right? But to make up for mine this week I’m including a link to what I think is a frolicking, fun short story I recently wrote. It’s long enough to require relaxing in a favorite chair. And, I’d love to have feedback if you read it. I’m currently working on publishing a book of short pieces like this one.
Let me hear from you - darby@darbypatterson.com
